DISCLAIMER.
THE TOPICS AND ISSUES COVERED IN THIS EDITION ARE NOT REAL NEWS.
… HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY.
Jeff Turner
SENIOR STAFF WRITER
Last week, the hotly anticipated conclusion to the Paul Blart: Mall Cop trilogy was released. Controversy ensued as directors were afraid to take on such a daunting project. Francis Ford Coppola’s effort behind the camera for the second film was nominated for 13 Oscars, taking home 7, including best supporting actor for Michael Caine as Blart’s estranged father, Adrian Lestrange Blart.
The first shot of the trailer is Blart standing by a grave. This is a reference to the cliffhanger ending of the last film, where Blart’s daughter, Elizabeth (Jennifer Lawrence) was murdered by his archrival, Demetrius Excalibur (a three-tier performance ala “I’m Still Here” with Leonardo Dicaprio, Michael Fassbender, and LL Cool J).
This new film appears to focus on Blart assembling his old team to seek vengeance. He is seen briefly speaking with his old friend from the previous film, Arthur Hendrix (a CGI Orson Welles). Hendrix was the enforcer on Blart’s squad, an old Vietman veteran who successfully cut the head of the great drag-on Antopholomolopous. A living legend in this universe played by a living legend.
“Getting Orson was tough” said Jack Charles, animator at Industrial Light and Magic. “We had to get the rights from his estate, and then we had to break into the cemetery where he was buried and dig up his bones.”
Also in the trailer, Blart’s cyborg-bear sidekick Harold (voice of Dwayne the Rock Johnson). Harold died in the previous film, but rose from the tomb near the end.
“It’s symbolism,” STET director Francis Ford Coppola said. “It’s, like, religious, and stuff. You know what I mean?”
Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3, in the tradition of the other two, will be handed off to a new director. That director is acclaimed auteur Rob Cohen.
“I want to bring a lot of youth to the ‘Blart’ movies. Before they were just dry and stuffy. Stuff for intellectuals, or, like, whatever,” Cohen said in a public statment. “Well I’m taking a stand. No more intellectuals at Paul Blart movies!”
Pedestrians applauded.
The movie’s plot appears to center around the Blart finally facing down his nemesis Johnny Loiter (Kid Rock) and seeing justice done for his family. There is a glimpse of a fist crashing into Johnny Loiter, but we see no more past that. Kevin James worked out a considerable amount for this, as he does whenever a new Blart movie makes the rounds.
“I’m used to the routine” James said. “I eat twelve eggs a day, drink a gallon of milk, and then snort raw protein. You didn’t think that was possible, but science found a way. It always does.”
“Paul Blart: Mall Cop 3” comes out July 25, opening opposite Avengers and Justice League. Critics eagerly wait to see the thrilling, an likely smash hit, conclusion to the Paul Blart series.
