Opponents get stoned by 4×6 goalie in effort to score


By Zak Davis

Editor’s Note: This story was written for The Gateway’s annual April Fool’s Day joke issue. The story is false and does not present factual information to readers. It is meant for entertainment purposes only.In an odd twist of fate, a 4×6 piece of sheet rock normally used to put up walls inside a house has been granted a year of eligibility to play Division I hockey.

The piece of sheet rock, named Bill “The Wall” Atencio, went to an NCAA hearing and was granted the year of eligibility by a special admittance committee.

“We didn’t think they’d buy it,” said head coach Dean Blais. “The other guys, they love him. We didn’t think the committee would appreciate staring at a blank wall, so Joey Martin, he grabs this marker, and he drew this face on it. It’s really funny looking, and he made this noise when he was drawing it. Then John Faulkner gave him this goofy voice. The rest of the team instantly knew this was our guy.”

Atencio will be escorted by two players, probably two of the bigger guys on the team, and bolted into place before each game.

“He’s a great team player,” said Mark Pane, equipment director. “I love the fact that he packs light, doesn’t have any equipment to carry, and will never need any skates sharpened.”

Other coaches in the WCHA, UNO’s new conference for hockey, have already cried foul over the new team member.

“They have a 4×6 piece of sheet rock in goal,” said a coach from the WCHA on terms of anonymity. “That’s not fair. I mean, how did they fool the committee?”

Blais disagrees with the coach’s opinion.

“He’s just mad because he didn’t think of it first,” Blais said. “Atencio is a good kid, and we want him to be able to enjoy his sport and be a productive member of the community.”

Atencio is all ready proving his worth in practice.

“You can’t get anything by him,” said sophomore forward Alex Hudson. “That guy is really good. Quiet, but really good. I pulled out my double spin fake slap shot backhand flip, and he stopped even that.”

The NCAA committee that passed Atencio said they had more pressing concerns than allowing a piece of sheet rock to participate in collegiate sports.

“Look, we’re trying to squeeze every drop of revenue from every available source,” said one official who also requested anonymity. “I mean, the bowl system for football, expanding the college basketball tournament to 96 or 128 teams, creating fake tournaments like the NIT, or CIT, or whatever the other ones are that have funky acronym-like names that I don’t remember. I mean, seriously, our goal is just to promote competition and sportsmanship and make gobs of money that make the Queen of England jealous.”

Atencio is literally a man of few words.

” ,” he said. ” .”

So, for next year’s team, UNO expects to allow zero goals all year thanks to recruit Atencio. If they don’t the team has seriously hit a wall.


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