Hillary Clinton should marry Wall Street

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***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

Phil Brown
OPINION EDITOR

As the 2016 Presidential election looms closer, and the nomination process for both the Democratic and Republican parties drags on, important questions are emerging on both sides about their respective candidates. For the Democratic party, the financial sector has become a source of conflict between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, bringing up the important question: if Hillary Clinton loves Wall Street so much, why doesn’t she marry it?

Clinton’s dedicated representation of financial sector interests calls into question her ability to relate to the working class. After all, the average American doesn’t benefit from Hillary and Bill Clinton’s coziness with the institutions that make up Wall Street: the paid speeches, the campaign contributions, the Clinton Foundation donations, and the back-scratching of their associated hedge funds. With all the money flowing between the two camps, the average American might wonder why Hillary doesn’t just make their relationship official, perhaps in a religious/legal ceremony.

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Hillary, or “$hi££ary,” as she might more accurately be known, has also demonstrated a proclivity for political expediency. The most troubling example for social justice-minded American voters must be her steadfast opposition to marriage equality for gay couples until such a position became politically untenable. Clinton has co-opted the marriage equality movement in recent years, after the oppression she supported has been endured by gay couples and LGBT people around the nation, trying to make it a centerpiece of her campaign.

While she’s at it, why doesn’t she make human-street marriage a part of her platform in order to make her union with New York finance official in the eyes of the law? It’s clear that she’s more faithful to Wall Street than to the LGBT people she held in contempt until 2013, so maybe she should just come right out and join with the street in holy matrimony, instead of pretending to care about the LGBT voters who only became a priority for her a couple of years ago.

If Clinton and Wall Street were married, it would certainly benefit both parties. They’ve already demonstrated an ability to work with each other financially, an impressive feat in this day and age. So many couples are driven apart by financial concerns, but Hillary and Wall Street have somehow managed to consistently make their money work for the benefit of both, whether it’s a highly-paid Goldman Sachs speech from Clinton, or a generous investment from Wall Street into her son-in-law’s hedge fund. This kind of back-and-forth is so healthy in a relationship, and is a great sign that the couple has a long and prosperous one ahead of them.

The tax credits the two would receive would be one of the foremost benefits to the pragmatic pair. Wall Street, who already expect less taxation and oversight from Hillary if she becomes president, would find the union even sweeter if they got taxed even less as a result. While Hillary fought for decades to keep gay couples from receiving those benefits, it only makes sense in her position to go ahead with her marriage to Wall Street. We can gossip all day long about whether or not it will actually happen. But unlike the LGBT persons she and her family neglected for most of the modern era of politics, Clinton and Wall Street treat each other with respect, flexibility, and financial generosity. The pair are truly a model couple. Tie the knot already, you two!

***All stories published in this week’s Gateway are satirical and should be treated as such. None of the stories printed are factual and do not represent the actual intentions, feelings, or actions of any of the people mentioned.***

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